I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..