I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.