Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

What do you hear?

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.