Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

What the hell is going on?

LMAO

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.