I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
