Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I’m good, thanks.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Never deleting this app.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.