I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Now, where’s the sport in that?
The Backseat Boys
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses