Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*