Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.