I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
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Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Encore…
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.