Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

My dress code is business-casualty.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

i really liked this one

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”