I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it