Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Camel dough

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

when nothing goes right… go left

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

yikes

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS