I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
reviewed some movies recently
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.