I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Monday
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
It’s the weekend y’all
