I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Breaking news:
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
🌲😼
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.