I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday