I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
this chia pet tastes awful
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.