I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”