Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

always be there

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

Canadian owl: Eh?

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Pretty much. 🤣

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast