Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Harsh but fair

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

58.

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.