Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.