I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.