Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

mumsnet is amazing

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.