Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go