I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome