I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.