I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
first you must answer his riddles
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.