I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Still my favourite meme.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?