I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.