I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
You Might Also Like
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here