I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
you gotta be faster
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.