I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Well, that didn’t work.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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