I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
doing your own taxes
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide