I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
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Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
respect
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Canadian owl: Eh?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.