Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there