I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*watches the world burn*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
