I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
A Monday every week is excessive
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”