Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.