Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS