I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My work here is don’t.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.