I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
You Might Also Like
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Mornin
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me