I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
favorite tropes as memes
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice