I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
when she block me on everything
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Who knew!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.