I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
me and the Superbowl rn
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
