Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Breaking news:

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

CRYING

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

as is their right

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.