I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
![]()
You Might Also Like
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
![]()
![]()
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.