Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

rise and shine we got egg

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.