I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Me when my alarm goes off
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.