I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Home #decor warning.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.