Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The three genders
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.