My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
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Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
United Steaks of America
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Happy birthday to all the women