@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

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@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@MisfitMuse

The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@TheBoydP

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

@TrueTorontoGirl

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.