I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

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A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..


DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.




I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously


[slowly backing away] why do you know what shooting fish in a barrel is like?


Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.


Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that



I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014


‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.