Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly