I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
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My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour