I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Succinctly put.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”