I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.