I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
hmmmmmm
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
it’s not been my year
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?