Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

This checks out

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK