Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Can you solve the riddle??

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.