I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery