I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.