I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.