Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.