I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
You Might Also Like
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.