I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Is this a threat?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.