Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

The Compass

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes