I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.