I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.