Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.