I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I can’t deal with men any longer
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Oddly specific
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Had to try this trend 😊
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
everyone’s a critic
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do