I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
😲 WTF? 😆
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.