I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
it was love at first sight
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb