I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director