I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I have so many questions.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I have a new favorite meme page
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”